ZEB WALLACE
My Journey
Battling an Eating Disorder
3. Exercise began to control me...
After college, I got a job locally that did not pay a lot, so I moved back to my parents’ house until I could save up a little money. They had a treadmill and I would use it all the time. As time went on, I would do more and more on the treadmill, on top of walking and running outside. It became compulsive. When I ate, I felt that I had to exercise...that I had to work it off. I could not relax or feel at ease until I had gotten a certain distance in every day. While the family was doing things together, I would often be exercising. Once I got my time in, then I could spend time with them. I hated feeling so controlled by this constant need to exercise, but I saw no other way.
After several months of living at home, a really good friend asked me if I wanted to get an apartment together. The idea sounded great and meant that I would be a lot closer to work. However, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to exercise as easily...no treadmill! But about that time, my sister and brother-in-law told me that they had joined a new gym in the town where I would be living. I jumped on that opportunity to join too, and before long, my friend and I moved into our apartment.
At first, I would only go to the gym in the evening but then I started to go in the morning too. I was there so much on the elliptical that people began to recognize me as the elliptical guy. Again, if I wanted to eat, I had to go to the gym every day.
My roommate was an incredible cook! I loved everything he made, but I also knew that when he cooked, I would eat a lot, so I would have to pay for that at the gym. Food was something I had to work for, or earn, and even if I worked for it, there was still a bit of guilt surrounding it. The thought that I had not worked hard enough was always there. The feeling after I ate was the absolute worst…I just had to move! Sitting still was torture!
I was able to hide this for so long because I would always eat when I was around others. I absolutely love the social aspect of going out to eat with people. It is one of my favorite things to do. That and...I love desserts. But those would give me the worst guilt. So, when I was on my own, I would hunt down more low calorie and fat free options. I got into the habit of eating the same thing every day at home. And if I ever did get a dessert, I would usually only eat a few bites, and save the rest for another day.
When I moved to Memphis for grad school in 2012, I didn’t know if I would still be able to go to the gym. So, I bought an elliptical. I thought, ‘This will be great! I will get up early in the morning and exercise and then I will be done for the day.’ The distance meter didn’t work on the elliptical but I still wanted to make sure I got the distance I was used to getting each day at my old gym. So, I based my work out on the approximate time it used to take me to get to a certain distance. That worked for a little while but then I decided I should add some time just to be sure. After I would eat lunch, though, I would feel this overwhelming need to exercise again. That meant that in the afternoon when I got home, I would get back on the elliptical. Over the course of a couple of weeks, it increased to the point where I was doing the same amount in the evening as I was in the morning. By mid-afternoon, I would start to get antsy. I had to get home so I could exercise.
It was while I was in Memphis that I really first thought that I may have a problem, but I never associated it with an eating disorder. After all, I was eating.
After several months of living at home, a really good friend asked me if I wanted to get an apartment together. The idea sounded great and meant that I would be a lot closer to work. However, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to exercise as easily...no treadmill! But about that time, my sister and brother-in-law told me that they had joined a new gym in the town where I would be living. I jumped on that opportunity to join too, and before long, my friend and I moved into our apartment.
At first, I would only go to the gym in the evening but then I started to go in the morning too. I was there so much on the elliptical that people began to recognize me as the elliptical guy. Again, if I wanted to eat, I had to go to the gym every day.
My roommate was an incredible cook! I loved everything he made, but I also knew that when he cooked, I would eat a lot, so I would have to pay for that at the gym. Food was something I had to work for, or earn, and even if I worked for it, there was still a bit of guilt surrounding it. The thought that I had not worked hard enough was always there. The feeling after I ate was the absolute worst…I just had to move! Sitting still was torture!
I was able to hide this for so long because I would always eat when I was around others. I absolutely love the social aspect of going out to eat with people. It is one of my favorite things to do. That and...I love desserts. But those would give me the worst guilt. So, when I was on my own, I would hunt down more low calorie and fat free options. I got into the habit of eating the same thing every day at home. And if I ever did get a dessert, I would usually only eat a few bites, and save the rest for another day.
When I moved to Memphis for grad school in 2012, I didn’t know if I would still be able to go to the gym. So, I bought an elliptical. I thought, ‘This will be great! I will get up early in the morning and exercise and then I will be done for the day.’ The distance meter didn’t work on the elliptical but I still wanted to make sure I got the distance I was used to getting each day at my old gym. So, I based my work out on the approximate time it used to take me to get to a certain distance. That worked for a little while but then I decided I should add some time just to be sure. After I would eat lunch, though, I would feel this overwhelming need to exercise again. That meant that in the afternoon when I got home, I would get back on the elliptical. Over the course of a couple of weeks, it increased to the point where I was doing the same amount in the evening as I was in the morning. By mid-afternoon, I would start to get antsy. I had to get home so I could exercise.
It was while I was in Memphis that I really first thought that I may have a problem, but I never associated it with an eating disorder. After all, I was eating.
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