ZEB WALLACE
My Journey
Battling an Eating Disorder
4. Downhill spiral...
I moved to Minot, ND in 2017 to teach at Minot State University. I continued my exercise regimen after I arrived, but for the most part, I felt like things were going pretty well. I loved my job, my colleagues, my new friends, my church family, my new environment, and the city of Minot itself.
Around the end of 2018, things began to change for me. My anxiety would sometimes get the best of me, and I felt down and depressed quite a bit. The spring of 2019 was hard for so many reasons but for one, I was exposed to a lot of things that I would later discover were triggers; things that would induce anxiety within me. These triggers would only add fuel to the eating disorder behaviors. I would exercise more and eat less.
I really didn’t think the exercise was controlling me, though, until February of 2020. That was when my elliptical broke! It was February in North Dakota, which meant spending time outside was not very appealing. That was when I became aware of just how trapped I was. I stressed over trying to get it fixed. I almost rejoined a gym but was eventually able to get it repaired. During that time, though, I would skip meals because I knew I wouldn’t be able to exercise; to work for it.
Some of you may be thinking, ‘cardio isn’t the only form of exercise.’ But to me, I had to get a certain distance every day…nothing else mattered. It was just so ingrained in me. It was a very hard time and I felt like I was in such a dark place. Then the pandemic hit! Spending all that time in my home with the elliptical was not a good thing.
Around the end of 2018, things began to change for me. My anxiety would sometimes get the best of me, and I felt down and depressed quite a bit. The spring of 2019 was hard for so many reasons but for one, I was exposed to a lot of things that I would later discover were triggers; things that would induce anxiety within me. These triggers would only add fuel to the eating disorder behaviors. I would exercise more and eat less.
I really didn’t think the exercise was controlling me, though, until February of 2020. That was when my elliptical broke! It was February in North Dakota, which meant spending time outside was not very appealing. That was when I became aware of just how trapped I was. I stressed over trying to get it fixed. I almost rejoined a gym but was eventually able to get it repaired. During that time, though, I would skip meals because I knew I wouldn’t be able to exercise; to work for it.
Some of you may be thinking, ‘cardio isn’t the only form of exercise.’ But to me, I had to get a certain distance every day…nothing else mattered. It was just so ingrained in me. It was a very hard time and I felt like I was in such a dark place. Then the pandemic hit! Spending all that time in my home with the elliptical was not a good thing.
My weight started to drop and I watched it closely every day. When it would get down to a point that I thought was low, I would think, ‘wow, that’s crazy!’ But, I felt a sense of accomplishment. It felt so good. Then it would drop a little more and I would think the same thing. However, if it came up just slightly, maybe back to the previous point that had once made me happy, it would be devastating. I would feel like such a failure. I would immediately question what I had done wrong. Had I eaten too much? Did I not exercise enough? Was this a new trend? What if I can’t stop it? For me, when I saw my weight low, that meant that I could eat that day without feeling guilty. Or at least, that was what I tried to tell myself…it rarely ever worked out that way.
People began to make comments. “Have you lost weight?” “You need to eat more!” “Have you been running a lot? Your face looks so slim.” People were not saying these as compliments, but I took them as such. It made me feel good to hear people say that because it confirmed that my identity was still intact. It even made me feel good that my clothes were now getting lose on me.
I know all of this must sound so absurd! Believe me, writing this out, I feel it too. But what you have to understand is that this is a mental illness. I knew that seeing my weight go down was not good. It was not healthy. I knew those comments were not compliments. I knew I needed to stop exercising so much, but there was this other side that kept prodding and saying, you have to do this. I could not see what others were seeing. Looking into the mirror, I saw a guy that was much larger than what other people apparently were seeing. And after so many years of living with this, when I let my guard down for just a little bit, irrational thoughts completely took over. The rational voice in my head was silenced and the eating disorder voice ruled.
I felt like I was being controlled from the outside. I so desperately wanted to break free of it but I had no idea how. I hated going in to that room with the elliptical. I hated stepping on that scale. I hated worrying that I had eaten too much. I hated thinking about food. It was a nightmare! I didn’t want to leave my apartment. I didn’t want to see anybody, but at the same time, I didn’t want to be alone. I hated the thought of having to come back to my apartment in the afternoon…back to the elliptical. I loved going out to eat with friends, the socialization of it, but I hated the stress of not knowing where we would go. I had to have time to plan or at least steer us in a direction where I was comfortable. People would see me eat but they had no idea the thoughts going through my head or the time spent on the elliptical when I got home. The main thing was, I didn’t want anyone to find out about this. I had to keep it a secret.
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