ZEB WALLACE
My Journey
Battling an Eating Disorder
6. Treatment begins...
I soon began seeing a dietitian and a therapist. Even with this help, I still struggled to increase the amount I ate and reduce the amount I exercised. I was fearful of certain foods; determining what foods were bad and what foods were good. My thinking was very black and white. Soon, the places I was willing to go to eat became more and more limited.
Going to the grocery store was always an anxiety inducing experience; particularly after I started seeing the dietitian. She would recommend that I try different things and I would set out with a list of items to purchase. Often times I left without the items because I just could not bring myself to buy them. Or I would buy them and they would sit in my cabinet for weeks, unopened.
My therapist had no idea why I was coming to see her when I first went in. I went to talk about stress and anxiety but she soon realized that it all revolved around the eating disorder. She was always very real with me and one day, she looked at me and she said, “Zeb, you know I think about you when we are not together, don’t you? I think, how can I help Zeb…am I doing everything now that I can to help him. Because...Zeb’s going to die.” I will remember her telling me that for the rest of my life. The sincerity and compassion in her voice moved me to tears. I just didn’t know how to respond.
My therapist recognized that I needed more help than she could provide, so she reached out to the Sanford Health - Eating Disorder Treatment Center in Fargo, ND. Her initial plan was to see if they could provide an outpatient treatment program that she could administer from Minot. When she talked to them, they said I didn’t qualify for outpatient treatment. I thought, ‘see, I told you there was nothing wrong with me.’ Then she went on to say, “they said you require in-patient treatment.” I was stunned! No way I am that sick, I thought! No way I was to that point!
I told some close friends about this latest development; thinking they would be stunned too. That was not the reaction any of them gave me though. Most of them said with relief, “Good!” I asked them, “you don’t think I’m to that point do you?” They all said yes. One of my friends looked at me and with tears in her eyes said, “Zeb, you are sick.” For some reason, I just could not see myself the way they did.
The whole time I kept thinking, at some point, someone is going to say, “no, no, we’re overreacting.” I also kept thinking that maybe I wasn’t being honest with everyone. Maybe there was something I was forgetting to tell them. I tried to tell them…I do eat! But my dietitian and the people in Fargo told me, when they get new patients, all they have is the objective data…the height, weight, age, bloodwork, heart rate, etc. They know nothing about me personally and don’t even know what I look like. The objective data, the numbers, told them that this was a sick person.
Going to the grocery store was always an anxiety inducing experience; particularly after I started seeing the dietitian. She would recommend that I try different things and I would set out with a list of items to purchase. Often times I left without the items because I just could not bring myself to buy them. Or I would buy them and they would sit in my cabinet for weeks, unopened.
My therapist had no idea why I was coming to see her when I first went in. I went to talk about stress and anxiety but she soon realized that it all revolved around the eating disorder. She was always very real with me and one day, she looked at me and she said, “Zeb, you know I think about you when we are not together, don’t you? I think, how can I help Zeb…am I doing everything now that I can to help him. Because...Zeb’s going to die.” I will remember her telling me that for the rest of my life. The sincerity and compassion in her voice moved me to tears. I just didn’t know how to respond.
My therapist recognized that I needed more help than she could provide, so she reached out to the Sanford Health - Eating Disorder Treatment Center in Fargo, ND. Her initial plan was to see if they could provide an outpatient treatment program that she could administer from Minot. When she talked to them, they said I didn’t qualify for outpatient treatment. I thought, ‘see, I told you there was nothing wrong with me.’ Then she went on to say, “they said you require in-patient treatment.” I was stunned! No way I am that sick, I thought! No way I was to that point!
I told some close friends about this latest development; thinking they would be stunned too. That was not the reaction any of them gave me though. Most of them said with relief, “Good!” I asked them, “you don’t think I’m to that point do you?” They all said yes. One of my friends looked at me and with tears in her eyes said, “Zeb, you are sick.” For some reason, I just could not see myself the way they did.
The whole time I kept thinking, at some point, someone is going to say, “no, no, we’re overreacting.” I also kept thinking that maybe I wasn’t being honest with everyone. Maybe there was something I was forgetting to tell them. I tried to tell them…I do eat! But my dietitian and the people in Fargo told me, when they get new patients, all they have is the objective data…the height, weight, age, bloodwork, heart rate, etc. They know nothing about me personally and don’t even know what I look like. The objective data, the numbers, told them that this was a sick person.
I had such a hard time processing all of this. This couldn’t be right! Eventually, though, the realization started to come where I recognized that I was not well. But, I still had to fight that eating disorder voice. I still pushed myself harder than ever with the exercise. I would get so weak and I would have to stop for a little bit, but once I felt some better, I would get back on. I also had the strongest urges to restrict what I ate. It was like the eating disorder monster had, for so many years, been quietly sitting in a dark corner, controlling things without me knowing it. But now that I knew it was there and what it was, it was attacking with full fury. So many tears were shed during that time, and though I so desperately wanted out of this nightmare, I feared change. I didn’t know how to live without this…I didn’t think it was even possible.
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