7. Fargo...
I’m not really sure where to even begin when talking about my time at Sanford. I spent two months in their in-patient treatment program and during that time, so much happened. My life completely changed! I was challenged more than I have ever been, but I truly believe that experience saved my life.
The day I went to check-in, I was so incredibly nervous. I wasn’t sure what I was getting into and I had no idea how long I was going to be there. I didn’t know what the living situation would be like or what the other patients would be like, but I was fairly certain I would be the only male there…and that turned out to be true. The age of patients varied a lot, though. When I first arrived, I was probably one of the oldest, but I soon found myself to be the youngest. Everyone, from the nurses and staff to the patients, were absolutely wonderful. So caring and compassionate and it was a completely judgment-free zone.
I was in pretty bad shape when I got there. The nurses would come into your room first thing in the morning to take your vitals. It was not uncommon for my heart rate to be in the 40s; one morning it was in the 30s. I would get super dizzy standing up and just walking down the hall. The walls would just start to spin, and I felt like I was about to fall on the ceiling. Nothing seemed to worry the staff, though. This was all very typical and they told me as things went along, it would get better.
Their first goal was to restore my weight to a healthy level. That took quite a bit of doing. I was now eating more than I ever had and was not able to exercise. That was extremely tough! The first week I was there, however, I actually lost weight. They told me this would happen because my body was trying to repair itself and using a ton of energy. Slowly, over time, they increased my food intake. It was actually quite miserable. I constantly felt sick and uncomfortable. So many times I just wanted to quit. I couldn’t understand why in the world I was doing this to myself! While I knew this was necessary to be healthy, the eating disorder voice inside was fighting me hard the whole way.
Part of treatment involved nutrition and exercise education. I left treatment knowing what my body needed in regard to nutrition and exercise, and I had a plan to follow. Comparing myself to others has always been an issue for me, as I know it is for a lot of people. But now I try not to worry about what other people eat or how much they exercise because I know what my body needs to be healthy. Everyone is different. Even knowing those things, though, it can still be very hard to stick to the plan.
I did have many conversations with my treatment team about body image. I struggle pretty bad with body dysmorphia, and I was constantly told that my brain does not allow me to see myself the way others do. Even at my lowest weight, I saw my face as being too big. There were very few mirrors around the unit, so though I could tell my body was changing (clothes were getting tighter) it was hard for me to really see. My first night out of the hospital, I was in a hotel room…with mirrors! I stood in front of the full length mirror for the first time in two months and just cried. I didn’t even recognize myself. I was disgusted and told myself this was absolutely unacceptable.
Fortunately, I had transitioned to a partial program, so I was not yet on my way home. In partial, you basically spend the entire day at the hospital, but you are on your own at night. The next day back at Sanford, my team was waiting on me…they were in full damage control mode. Had I left and gone straight home right after getting out of the hospital, I may have fallen right back into the eating disorder. I have always been so focused on my face, and that seems to be one of the places where weight concentrates when you are restoring weight. There and the abdominal area. My doctor told me that it would eventually redistribute where it was supposed to go. At that point, I trusted my team, so I knew that over time, things would hopefully get better. I just had to keep to the plan. That took a lot of faith.
I left Fargo determined not to blow this second chance - this new opportunity. I finally had my health back. I no longer had dizzy spells and shortness of breath. I had energy, and though I didn’t like the way I looked, I physically felt good.
The day I went to check-in, I was so incredibly nervous. I wasn’t sure what I was getting into and I had no idea how long I was going to be there. I didn’t know what the living situation would be like or what the other patients would be like, but I was fairly certain I would be the only male there…and that turned out to be true. The age of patients varied a lot, though. When I first arrived, I was probably one of the oldest, but I soon found myself to be the youngest. Everyone, from the nurses and staff to the patients, were absolutely wonderful. So caring and compassionate and it was a completely judgment-free zone.
I was in pretty bad shape when I got there. The nurses would come into your room first thing in the morning to take your vitals. It was not uncommon for my heart rate to be in the 40s; one morning it was in the 30s. I would get super dizzy standing up and just walking down the hall. The walls would just start to spin, and I felt like I was about to fall on the ceiling. Nothing seemed to worry the staff, though. This was all very typical and they told me as things went along, it would get better.
Their first goal was to restore my weight to a healthy level. That took quite a bit of doing. I was now eating more than I ever had and was not able to exercise. That was extremely tough! The first week I was there, however, I actually lost weight. They told me this would happen because my body was trying to repair itself and using a ton of energy. Slowly, over time, they increased my food intake. It was actually quite miserable. I constantly felt sick and uncomfortable. So many times I just wanted to quit. I couldn’t understand why in the world I was doing this to myself! While I knew this was necessary to be healthy, the eating disorder voice inside was fighting me hard the whole way.
Part of treatment involved nutrition and exercise education. I left treatment knowing what my body needed in regard to nutrition and exercise, and I had a plan to follow. Comparing myself to others has always been an issue for me, as I know it is for a lot of people. But now I try not to worry about what other people eat or how much they exercise because I know what my body needs to be healthy. Everyone is different. Even knowing those things, though, it can still be very hard to stick to the plan.
I did have many conversations with my treatment team about body image. I struggle pretty bad with body dysmorphia, and I was constantly told that my brain does not allow me to see myself the way others do. Even at my lowest weight, I saw my face as being too big. There were very few mirrors around the unit, so though I could tell my body was changing (clothes were getting tighter) it was hard for me to really see. My first night out of the hospital, I was in a hotel room…with mirrors! I stood in front of the full length mirror for the first time in two months and just cried. I didn’t even recognize myself. I was disgusted and told myself this was absolutely unacceptable.
Fortunately, I had transitioned to a partial program, so I was not yet on my way home. In partial, you basically spend the entire day at the hospital, but you are on your own at night. The next day back at Sanford, my team was waiting on me…they were in full damage control mode. Had I left and gone straight home right after getting out of the hospital, I may have fallen right back into the eating disorder. I have always been so focused on my face, and that seems to be one of the places where weight concentrates when you are restoring weight. There and the abdominal area. My doctor told me that it would eventually redistribute where it was supposed to go. At that point, I trusted my team, so I knew that over time, things would hopefully get better. I just had to keep to the plan. That took a lot of faith.
I left Fargo determined not to blow this second chance - this new opportunity. I finally had my health back. I no longer had dizzy spells and shortness of breath. I had energy, and though I didn’t like the way I looked, I physically felt good.