9. Ongoing recovery...

One day while at Sanford, in a group session, we were asked to write down where we saw ourselves in five years if we were still living in our eating disorder. That hit me really hard. I sat and thought about what would have happened if I had not gone to treatment. I teared up and wrote one sentence because at that point, I knew what the reality was; “I wouldn’t be here in five years.” I would not have survived much longer. My doctor had told me just before this group session that I was on the edge of the cliff; I was almost to the point of no return. My body was starting to shut down. My ability to do the things I love was almost over. I was in treatment with people who had passed the point of no return, they had gone over the cliff. I knew what my future was if I didn't make a change. It was truly an eye opening and very moving realization for me.

My current therapist often speaks about the stages of change and how we all go through different periods in our lives as we deal with all kinds of issues. Until we get to the stage where we are truly ready to be healthy, we will never change. Looking back, it took me a long time to get to the point where I was ready. I had been in an arduous mental and physical battle, but a series of events helped me to realize I needed to change. Everything happened at just the right time.

I never imagined a day when I would not feel like I had to be exercising. I never even imagined a time when I could go all day without any intentional exercise. Before, I would get annoyed and agitated if something was scheduled early in the morning because that meant I had to get up super early to exercise. Or if someone asked if I wanted to do something that night, the first thing I thought about was getting home to get my exercise in first. Now, I am mostly free of that.

I can be present with my friends and family and simply enjoy being with them. Relationships are so important and that was something that I neglected for so long. The eating disorder robs us of so much; time with friends and family, peace, joy. It’s not about appearance, even though that may seem, on the surface, to be the major driver. It is instead about control, about feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, people pleasing, and even anxiety issues. Eating disorders are so very complicated and so hard to adequately explain to those who have never had to deal with it.

I’m not sure that I will ever be fully recovered. I still struggle with body dysmorphia, with urges to exercise, with fearing certain foods, but it is like night and day when I compare now to where I was. I hear my team in the back of my head whenever I slip back into some of those old thoughts, and I remind myself what is true.

I know that without the support of my family and friends, I would not have made it. I can never thank you all enough for your love and commitment to helping me get through this. It’s still a long road ahead, but I am grateful to each of you for all you have done. I love each of you so dearly. I am so thankful that God has given me such a strong support system. I also know without my faith and the love of God, I would never have survived. He has been with me the entire way and has given me comfort and guidance when I needed it most. I know that God doesn’t care what I look like. He loves me all the same and only cares about my character and soul, and above all else, that I have chosen to follow Him.

I’m not a therapist or a psychologist; I only have my own experience. But I am happy to speak further with you if you think you may be struggling with an eating disorder. One of the most important things to have is a good support group. And if you can find someone who has gone through a similar experience and they are willing to offer their support, that can be very helpful. Some people do have trouble interacting with others with eating disorders, though. It can be triggering for them. So just keep that in mind. It affects us all differently and we cope with it in different ways. But please don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you or a loved one is struggling. You can get through this!!

Thank you for reading! God Bless!!
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