8. Road to recovery...
After I left Sanford, I headed home to Alabama for the remaining weeks of summer. I didn’t want anyone to see me. I was so embarrassed and felt that I looked hideous. I was even scared to see my own parents. When I pulled into the drive-way, my dad came out to meet me, and the first thing he said was, "Now that’s the way you’re supposed to look." He would tell my mom, "Zeb looks better than I’ve seen him in years." My dad has never said anything about my appearance, so to hear him say that, really said something about where I had been. His words really meant so much to me.
Only a few people that I saw in Alabama really said anything, but I was still so paranoid that they were thinking about how awful I looked. I was sure that people were thinking I had ‘let myself go,’ like I used to worry about. I only told a few people that I was dealing with this, so most people were completely unaware that I had been in treatment. I had no idea what people would think, but I was certain it wasn’t good. I was still in that place where I worried about disappointing people or letting them down.
When I finally came home to North Dakota, so many people made comments: “You look…different.” “You look like you’ve put on some weight.” Sometimes they would start by saying, “Zeb, you look great!” And then continue with, “You’ve gained some weight.” If they had just stopped after the first line, I would have been fine, but that second one stung. And for whatever reason, the comment: “You’ve filled out,” is the absolute worst! I knew the people who made those comments had no idea and were meaning them as compliments, but they were still hard for me to take.
As time has gone on, it has gotten a little easier. I continue to meet with my doctor from Fargo, my dietitian, and my therapist. And I have a very close knit group of friends that check on me and help me when I am struggling. I wanted to think that after I got out of treatment, I would be all better. Sadly, that is not the case. This will likely be something I will deal with for the rest of my life. Regardless, I am in such a better place now and have the tools and resources to stay on the positive side of this disorder.
Only a few people that I saw in Alabama really said anything, but I was still so paranoid that they were thinking about how awful I looked. I was sure that people were thinking I had ‘let myself go,’ like I used to worry about. I only told a few people that I was dealing with this, so most people were completely unaware that I had been in treatment. I had no idea what people would think, but I was certain it wasn’t good. I was still in that place where I worried about disappointing people or letting them down.
When I finally came home to North Dakota, so many people made comments: “You look…different.” “You look like you’ve put on some weight.” Sometimes they would start by saying, “Zeb, you look great!” And then continue with, “You’ve gained some weight.” If they had just stopped after the first line, I would have been fine, but that second one stung. And for whatever reason, the comment: “You’ve filled out,” is the absolute worst! I knew the people who made those comments had no idea and were meaning them as compliments, but they were still hard for me to take.
As time has gone on, it has gotten a little easier. I continue to meet with my doctor from Fargo, my dietitian, and my therapist. And I have a very close knit group of friends that check on me and help me when I am struggling. I wanted to think that after I got out of treatment, I would be all better. Sadly, that is not the case. This will likely be something I will deal with for the rest of my life. Regardless, I am in such a better place now and have the tools and resources to stay on the positive side of this disorder.
|
Some of you have seen my little buddy, Tucker. He’s my four pound Chihuahua and he came to live with me a couple of months after I got out of treatment. He is absolutely one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Tucker is an emotional support animal and has helped calm me when my anxiety is spiking. He also keeps me from exercising too much. Tucker has changed my life and is a big part of my recovery. I can’t imagine life without him.
One thing I know, I never want to feel like I did before…both mentally and physically. It was a nightmare that would not end. I was weak. I was frail. I had a hard time breathing. I had chest pains. I had dizzy spells. I couldn’t concentrate. I worried over everything. I was obsessive. Irritable. Depressed. Anxious. All of these things mainly because I was severely underweight. I am now determined never to go back to that place. I am in recovery! |
|