2. Where it all began...

I’ve tried to figure out exactly when all of this started but that is a bit hard to pinpoint.  I do remember the foundation was already set when I headed off to college. That was when I first started to count calories and watch what I ate.
 
I believe I was in the eighth or ninth grade when a friend looked over at me, pointed at my stomach, and said in disgust, ‘what is that?’ I guess I had a bit of a belly and after that comment, I felt so ashamed.  I don’t recall changing eating habits or exercise habits at that time, but I did slim up quite a bit as I continued to grow taller.  I remember people telling me that when I went off to college, I would gain the “Freshman 15.” I was determined not to let that happen. One of my senior pictures was a full body picture and one person told me that was the one they would like to have of me, because one day they would look back to see how skinny I used to be.  People would comment on others and say things like, “Wow, they’ve really let themselves go!” I never wanted anyone to be able to say that about me. I never wanted anyone to think negatively about me, and that was certainly a negative comment. Being slim, then, became my identity and I fought hard to keep it.
 
So I went off to college with this in mind. I lived on campus and because of that, I had to have a meal plan.  I got the smallest plan possible, which was five meals a week.  That meant I would only eat once a day during the week. I really began to watch what I ate, and I began to cut out fats and choose the lowest calorie options. I would spend the longest time in the grocery store looking at labels. My family thought I was just trying to be healthy; they recognized that I was a ‘picky’ eater.  If we were going to eat somewhere out, they would look at me and ask, “Can you get something there?” I was embarrassed by that, but at the same time, I would often feel like there was nothing healthy enough for me a lot of places. To cover up my true intentions, I would say something like, “I just don’t like burgers” or “I don’t like fried food…it just doesn’t sit well with me.”
 
I realized that if I wanted to eat more than once a day, I would need to exercise more.  So I made sure that I was outside as much as possible walking and hiking, and eventually, I started to jog.  Exercising gave me permission to eat.