ZEB WALLACE
My Journey
Battling an Eating Disorder
1. An overview...2/1/2022 I know this is hard for a lot of people to understand, and for those that know me, it may come as a shock, but for many years, I have struggled with an eating disorder. I denied for so long that I had a problem, but about two years ago, things began to get worse. I began to see the physical impact on my health and finally, with the encouragement of some close friends here in Minot, I made a doctor’s appointment. Eventually, I was diagnosed with anorexia and would soon begin seeing an incredible therapist. Everyone seemed to think this was more serious than I did, but recognizing I was living in a nightmare that just would not end, I knew something had to change, or my life would be cut short. So, last summer, I checked in to an in-patient treatment center at Sanford Hospital in Fargo, ND, and I was there for two months. I met some incredible people while I was there, both fellow patients and staff, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am now in recovery but it is still something that I struggle with every day; some days are harder than others.
Many of you may be thinking, ‘I’ve seen you eat, though.’ But eating disorders come in all different forms. You can’t always tell someone has an eating disorder by looking at them, but inside, there could be such turmoil going on in their mind. In my case, I would exercise in excess and still limit the amount I ate. It was all I could think about…completely controlling my life. Eating disorders are among the most fatal mental illnesses and are severely underdiagnosed for men. As a man, the stigma of admitting my disorder was extremely hard. I was embarrassed and ashamed; after all, only teenage girls have eating disorders right?! But eating disorders affect both males and females of all ages. In fact, up to 15% of eating disorders occur in males…and that number is likely much higher. I am at the very beginning of this recovery journey, but I am so grateful to God for getting me to where I am now. I do have a wonderful team helping me, and words cannot express how truly grateful I am for those of you who have been with me through all of this. Those who never turned your back on me and supported me during some very hard times, I cannot tell you how much that has meant to me. I love you all, dearly! Speaking out and making this public is extremely hard. But for so long I kept this to myself and just tried to deal with it on my own. I believe, however, that this is something that we should be talking about more. We need to end the stigma surrounding eating disorders in males. So, if speaking out can help at least one other person to gain the courage to get help, then it will be worth it. In the following entries, I explain a little bit more of how I got here. It's a long story but hopefully I can fill in the gaps for you and help you to understand what this has been like. Thank you for reading!
0 Comments
2. Where it all began...1/31/2022 I’ve tried to figure out exactly when all of this started but that is a bit hard to pinpoint. I do remember the foundation was already set when I headed off to college. That was when I first started to count calories and watch what I ate.
I believe I was in the eighth or ninth grade when a friend looked over at me, pointed at my stomach, and said in disgust, ‘what is that?’ I guess I had a bit of a belly and after that comment, I felt so ashamed. I don’t recall changing eating habits or exercise habits at that time, but I did slim up quite a bit as I continued to grow taller. I remember people telling me that when I went off to college, I would gain the “Freshman 15.” I was determined not to let that happen. One of my senior pictures was a full body picture and one person told me that was the one they would like to have of me, because one day they would look back to see how skinny I used to be. People would comment on others and say things like, “Wow, they’ve really let themselves go!” I never wanted anyone to be able to say that about me. I never wanted anyone to think negatively about me, and that was certainly a negative comment. Being slim, then, became my identity and I fought hard to keep it. So I went off to college with this in mind. I lived on campus and because of that, I had to have a meal plan. I got the smallest plan possible, which was five meals a week. That meant I would only eat once a day during the week. I really began to watch what I ate, and I began to cut out fats and choose the lowest calorie options. I would spend the longest time in the grocery store looking at labels. My family thought I was just trying to be healthy; they recognized that I was a ‘picky’ eater. If we were going to eat somewhere out, they would look at me and ask, “Can you get something there?” I was embarrassed by that, but at the same time, I would often feel like there was nothing healthy enough for me a lot of places. To cover up my true intentions, I would say something like, “I just don’t like burgers” or “I don’t like fried food…it just doesn’t sit well with me.” I realized that if I wanted to eat more than once a day, I would need to exercise more. So I made sure that I was outside as much as possible walking and hiking, and eventually, I started to jog. Exercising gave me permission to eat. 3. Exercise began to control me...1/30/2022 After college, I got a job locally that did not pay a lot, so I moved back to my parents’ house until I could save up a little money. They had a treadmill and I would use it all the time. As time went on, I would do more and more, on top of walking and running outside. It became compulsive. When I ate, I felt that I had exercise...that I had to work it off. I could not relax or feel at ease until I had gotten a certain distance in every day. While the family was doing things together, I had to be exercising. Once I got my time in, then I could spend time with them. I hated feeling so controlled by this constant need to exercise, but I saw no other way.
After several months of living at home, a really good friend asked me if I wanted to get an apartment together. The idea sounded great, and meant that I would be a lot closer to work. However, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to exercise as easily...no treadmill! But about that time, my sister and brother-in-law told me that they had joined a new gym in the town where I would be living. I jumped on that opportunity and before long, my friend and I moved into our apartment. At first, I would only go to the gym in the afternoon but then I started to go in the morning too. I was there so much on the elliptical that people began to recognize me as the elliptical guy. Again, if I wanted to eat, I had to go to the gym every day. My roommate was an incredible cook! I loved everything he cooked but I also knew I would eat a lot, so I would have to pay for that at the gym. Food was something I had to work for, or earn, and even if I worked for it, there was still a bit of guilt surrounding it. The thought that I had not worked hard enough was always there. The feeling after I ate was the absolute worst…I just had to move! Sitting still was torture! I was able to hide this for so long because I would always eat when I was around others. And, I absolutely love the social aspect of going out to eat with people. It is one of my favorite things to do. And...I love desserts. But those would give me the worst guilt. So, when I was on my own, I would hunt down more low calorie and fat free options. I got into the habit of eating the same thing every day at home. And if I ever did get a dessert, I would usually only eat a few bites, and save the rest for another day. When I moved to Memphis, I didn’t know if I would still be able to go to the gym. So, I bought an elliptical. I thought, ‘This will be great! I will get up early in the morning and exercise and then I will be done for the day.’ The distance meter didn’t work on the elliptical but I still wanted to make sure I got the distance I was used to getting each day at my old gym. So, I based my work out on the approximate time it used to take me to get to a certain distance. That worked for a little while but then I decided I should add some time just to be sure. After I would eat lunch, though, I would feel this overwhelming need to exercise. That meant that in the afternoon when I got home, I would get back on it. Over the course of a couple of weeks, it increased to the point where I was doing the same amount in the evening as I was in the morning. By mid-afternoon, I would start to get antsy. I had to get home so I could exercise. I knew when I was in Memphis that I probably had a problem, but I never associated it with an eating disorder. After all, I was eating. 4. Downhill spiral...1/26/2022 ![]() I moved to Minot, ND in 2017 to teach at Minot State University. I continued my exercise regime when I got there, but for the most part, I felt like things were going pretty well. I loved my job, my colleagues, my new friends, my church family, my new environment, and the city of Minot itself. Around the end of 2018, things began to change for me. My anxiety would sometimes get the best of me, and I felt down and depressed quite a bit. The spring of 2019 was hard for so many reasons but for one, I was exposed to a lot of things that I would later discover were triggers; things that would induce anxiety within me. When that would happen, it would only add fuel to the eating disorder behaviors. I really didn’t think the exercise was controlling me, though, until February of 2020. That was when my elliptical broke! It was February in North Dakota, which meant spending time outside was not very appealing. That was when I became aware of just how trapped I was. I stressed over trying to get it fixed. I almost rejoined a gym but was eventually able to get it fixed. During that time, though, I would skip meals because I knew I wouldn’t be able to exercise. Some of you may be thinking, ‘cardio isn’t the only form of exercise.’ But to me, I had to get a certain distance every day…nothing else mattered. It was just so ingrained in me. It was a very hard time and I felt like I was in such a dark place. Then the pandemic hit! Spending all that time in my home with the elliptical was not a good thing. My weight started to drop and I watched it closely every day. When it would get down to a point that I thought was low, I would think, ‘wow, that’s crazy!’ But, I felt a sense of accomplishment. It felt so good. Then it would drop a little more and I would think the same thing. However, if it came up just slightly, maybe back to the previous point that had once made me happy, it would be devastating. I would feel like such a failure. I would immediately try to think what I had done wrong. Had I eaten too much? Did I not exercise enough? Was this a new trend? What if I can’t stop it? For me, when I saw my weight low, that meant that I could eat that day without feeling guilty. Or at least, that was what I tried to tell myself…it rarely ever worked out that way.
I know all of this must sound so absurd! Believe me, writing this out, I feel it too. But what you have to understand is that this is a mental illness. I knew that seeing my weight go down was not good. It was not healthy. I knew those comments were not compliments. I knew I needed to stop exercising so much, but there was this other side that kept prodding and saying, you have to do this. I could not see what others were seeing. Looking into the mirror, I saw a guy that was much larger than what other people apparently were seeing. And after so many years of living with this, when I let my guard down for just a little bit, it completely took over. The rational voice in my head was silenced and the eating disorder voice ruled. I felt like I was being controlled from the outside. I so desperately wanted to break free of it but I had no idea how. I hated going in to that room with the elliptical. I hated stepping on that scale. I hated worrying that I had eaten too much. I hated thinking about food. It was a nightmare! I didn’t want to leave my apartment. I didn’t want to see anybody, but at the same time, I didn’t want to be alone. I hated the thought of having to come back to my apartment in the afternoon…back to the elliptical. I loved going out to eat with friends, the socialization of it, but I hated the stress of not knowing where we would go. I had to have time to plan or at least steer us in a direction where I was comfortable. People would see me eat but they had no idea the thoughts going through my head or the time spent on the elliptical when I got home. The main thing was, I didn’t want anyone to find out about this. I had to keep it a secret.
5. Toll on my health...1/25/2022 The summer of 2020, I really began to worry that something was wrong. I would experience dizzy spells and light-headedness multiple times a day. I would have chest pains and shortness of breath. I had trouble concentrating and remembering things. There were several days that I would drive out to one of my favorite hiking spots only to have to turn around and come home once I got there because I was too weak to get out of the car. I would lead singing at my church and have to lean on the pew because I would feel dizzy while in front of the congregation. Close friends were sure that it was the eating disorder but I still had my doubts. I just knew something else must be happening with me. That July I went out to take a jog down a dirt road near my home. I had done this before without any issue, but this time was different. I had barely gone a quarter of a mile when I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought, ‘how can I be this out of shape?’ So, I kept pushing. I made it two miles and had to stop. My chest was pounding, my pulse was erratic, and I was lightheaded. The problem now was that I was two miles from home. My friends who lived near me were in Bismarck, two hours away. I didn’t want to have to call anyone else, so I slowly made my way home…almost crawling at times. The whole thing was extremely scary! The next week I went to the doctor. There was no mention of my low weight or the amount I exercise…other than to say that they wish they had that much energy. In fact, all the times I have been to see a doctor, no one has really ever said anything about me being underweight. Anyway, I had some test done and the next day, they called to tell me that my white blood cell count was very low. I had to go back in and get more scans and tests done. I was also referred to a hematologist. The doctor told me that when they see blood levels that low, that can mean cancer. I had more bloodwork done and was scheduled for a bone marrow biopsy. I went back the next week to find out that my white blood cell count had come up just a little, but still low. However, that meant that it was probably not cancer…so the biopsy was cancelled.
After talking to the hematologist and telling him about my eating and exercise habits, he said that this was textbook anorexia. The blood work just confirmed it and that would explain all of the symptoms I had been experiencing. That was very hard to actually hear from a doctor. Zeb WallaceI have been battling an eating disorder for many years. I am now in recovery but wanted to share my story so those close to me may have a better understanding, and to help those who may also struggle. |
Copyright © 2023